tough to love a bully
have you ever thought about how different someone else's view can be? my mother in law is a firm believer in what she calls tough love, or "tell it like it is" by which she means that she speaks her mind, doesn't beat around the proverbial bush, can be "brutally honest" (her words).
when i first met her, she was pretty outspoken about what she thought of my religion. i tried to reason with her. ohhhh, big mistake. i will forever be "that heathen hussy" her son married. (it made for interesting reactions when i was introduced to people.)
to maintain wa, i developed a self-defense mechanism -- when she opens her mouth, i go silent. "why don't you ever talk??" she yells, but it's just safer to let her rant. painful experience has taught me that nothing i say or do will change what she's decided to think about me, or anyone or anything i care about. trying to reason with her is hazardous to wa. she will not let things drop; not for a moment, and it doesn't bother her in the least to make a scene in public places. she's rather good at that.
my kids have a different way of dealing with her. they refuse to. they avoid her. i try to tell them that contact is important, but they tell me that even if they love her, they can't stand her. she started complaining at a family gathering that i make my family avoid her. when she wouldn't stop, my son yelled "mom says we gotta love you but she can't make us like you." he apologized for being rude, but would not apologize for how he felt.
what a conflict. i was raised believing that you respect your elders. not saying that my own parents are perfect, but simply that when all is said and done, i loved and respected them. it's harder with kids. they learn in school that bullying is never right. you know, i'm proud that my children refuse to be bullied by anyone, but inside i hurt for the wonderful times that our family could share, if only there were some way to get past all her hostility. i wonder why things have to be this way.
when i first met her, she was pretty outspoken about what she thought of my religion. i tried to reason with her. ohhhh, big mistake. i will forever be "that heathen hussy" her son married. (it made for interesting reactions when i was introduced to people.)
to maintain wa, i developed a self-defense mechanism -- when she opens her mouth, i go silent. "why don't you ever talk??" she yells, but it's just safer to let her rant. painful experience has taught me that nothing i say or do will change what she's decided to think about me, or anyone or anything i care about. trying to reason with her is hazardous to wa. she will not let things drop; not for a moment, and it doesn't bother her in the least to make a scene in public places. she's rather good at that.
my kids have a different way of dealing with her. they refuse to. they avoid her. i try to tell them that contact is important, but they tell me that even if they love her, they can't stand her. she started complaining at a family gathering that i make my family avoid her. when she wouldn't stop, my son yelled "mom says we gotta love you but she can't make us like you." he apologized for being rude, but would not apologize for how he felt.
what a conflict. i was raised believing that you respect your elders. not saying that my own parents are perfect, but simply that when all is said and done, i loved and respected them. it's harder with kids. they learn in school that bullying is never right. you know, i'm proud that my children refuse to be bullied by anyone, but inside i hurt for the wonderful times that our family could share, if only there were some way to get past all her hostility. i wonder why things have to be this way.
Buddhist Rant posted at 5:13 PM
1 Comments:
bully update! she had someone call to tell us she was dying (this happens about every 18 months or so) and wants to bury the hatchet before she goes.
the first thing she does when i call, is to hang up. loudly. some time later, she has someone call back to say she was accidentally cut off.
she then proceeds to say fairly ugly things, which i ignore, and criticize, to which i don't respond. she then demands that i phone and write more often, and hangs up.
after which, being a fairly devout buddhist, i take three aspirin (devout but not stupid) and meditate until i can smile again.
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