Losing a friend ...
funny how it works. losing someone, whether the person was a parent, a child, a significant other, is so hard, especially if you think of yourself as very self-reliant. when you lose someone you love, you go through a huge spectrum of emotions, 'way beyond devastation. sometimes you get frustrated with simple tasks. sometimes it's frightening realizing that that person isn't there anymore and you can't just pick up the phone or walk in the door and talk. and sometimes you feel so angry at the person and guilty that you're angry.
a close friend lost a member of her family. she was devastated, and asked me to help her get through it. we spent hours and hours talking about what she was going through, and i had really mixed feelings. not because i didn't want to help, but because of what would happen.
one of the things i tried to warn her about, is that there would come a time when she'd be ready to fly solo, and that when that time came, she would know. she asked how she was supposed know so i told her that she needed to carefully monitor how much she was depending on me because that would turn into resenting that she felt so dependent. i tried to reassure her that this is also a normal part of the grieving process, but that i didn't want to lose her as a friend.
of course, she didn't really listen. who really does, in times like that? i worried so much because she would fall apart in the middle of something and want me to take over. this happens. but i know that she felt terrible that she wasn't able to do things. that she had to get help from someone, depend on someone, was really taking a toll, and it worried me. i began phasing back gradually when i could see, even if she said she wasn't ready, that she was getting back on an even keel. you do that, you know. you don't "get over it" but you do find a new equilibrium.
so it didn't surprise me a couple of weeks ago when she said she was ready to get on with her life. what saddened me was when she went on to say that she was upset at how much i'd taken over. whoa. she doesn't know how hard it was to keep up with my own life and still be there when she needed me. taken over? no thank you, i have my own life to live. but it isn't for me to say anything, because you know, this is what i tried to warn her about. this, too, is a part of the whole process.
it's hard sometimes, to be a good friend.
a close friend lost a member of her family. she was devastated, and asked me to help her get through it. we spent hours and hours talking about what she was going through, and i had really mixed feelings. not because i didn't want to help, but because of what would happen.
one of the things i tried to warn her about, is that there would come a time when she'd be ready to fly solo, and that when that time came, she would know. she asked how she was supposed know so i told her that she needed to carefully monitor how much she was depending on me because that would turn into resenting that she felt so dependent. i tried to reassure her that this is also a normal part of the grieving process, but that i didn't want to lose her as a friend.
of course, she didn't really listen. who really does, in times like that? i worried so much because she would fall apart in the middle of something and want me to take over. this happens. but i know that she felt terrible that she wasn't able to do things. that she had to get help from someone, depend on someone, was really taking a toll, and it worried me. i began phasing back gradually when i could see, even if she said she wasn't ready, that she was getting back on an even keel. you do that, you know. you don't "get over it" but you do find a new equilibrium.
so it didn't surprise me a couple of weeks ago when she said she was ready to get on with her life. what saddened me was when she went on to say that she was upset at how much i'd taken over. whoa. she doesn't know how hard it was to keep up with my own life and still be there when she needed me. taken over? no thank you, i have my own life to live. but it isn't for me to say anything, because you know, this is what i tried to warn her about. this, too, is a part of the whole process.
it's hard sometimes, to be a good friend.
Buddhist Rant posted at 10:05 PM
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