rise and fall of relationships
ok this isn't going to sound profound or anything. its just a list of what i know and probably some of it isn't accurate but i'm not a scientist
i know that relationships work better when you have shared interests, or atleast interests that can run parallel courses. if the other person is a total sports freak and you're not, it could still work if the other person doesn't mind you bringing along something you do like, like a book or something ... it doesn't work if the other person needs you to be just as much of a sports freak.
relationships follow certain kinds of patterns -- whether a relationship lasts depends on how much BOTH people are dedicated to staying the course.
the initial phase: initial observations -- those day to day random sorts of things about that person you somehow know or hear or learn from interaction. observations you gather without even realizing it, not in terms of potential romance but merely as a part of everyday life.
the developing awareness phase: not always mutual either ... when all those initial observations start to coalesce into a personal opinion about that person. this can vary from day to day, because let's face it -- we all have our moments and unfortunately, in daily life, we aren't always aware of what other people are observing and what conclusions they are drawing.
the developing awareness phase sometimes starts out as what we think of someone who is somehow tangential to someone we like or care about.
the infatuation phase: the only things you really want to know are the things you like or think are cute -- the rest of what you subconsciously know about the person gets mentally lockered. the phase when you don't really want to know if other people are wondering if you've lost your mind.
this is that phase where you subconsciously scramble to find common grounds based on what you think you know about the other person. this is the phase where people do things like grow their hair out because the other person seems to notice long hair, or grow beards (or shave em) because the other person made some passing comment about facial hair, change the way we dress or the way we interact with friends.
your friends have various ways of dealing with this transmogrification (look it up ... it's a majorly kewl word to know) ... they run the whole spectrum from open hostility to total confusion or acting incredibly childish.
the sharing is caring phase: this is that neat but somehow oddly weird phase when you learn more about the other person and the other person learns more about you ... and what you learn is sometimes cool, but isn't always what you wanted to know.
you try to share more about yourself and your life, and experience "oh." moments as you learn more about the other person. some of what you learn, you will like. some of what you learn, you're not sure about.
this is the phase when you reassure yourself that people can and do change for love. it might be a shock to learn this, but usually the other person is going through the same thing. the question to ask yourself is whether the differences matter. are they ones you both can life with?
the honeymoon is over phase: when you realize that some things are going to have to change to make this work. unfortunately for a lot of people, many of these things that are going to have to change are changes you think you can make in the other person ... you're not as thrilled with the changes the other person seems to want from you.
this can be an eye-opener. this is the stage when you both find out that the other person isn't quite what he or she seemed to be during the previous stage. (this is where you realize that it was better when love was blind LOL) he really doesn't like wearing those kinds of clothes and he's just doing it to humor you. you really don't like having to be nice to his friends and it's getting harder to be sweet.
sometimes, changes work ... especially if you are also willing and ABLE to change in ways that the other person wants. i say able, because some habits and preferences are hard to change, and the harder they are to change or the more there are that need to change, the more resentment a person feels -- even if you love em.
this is the phase that most people fail to grasp the importance of -- which is why relationships fall apart. relationships take on-going work and mutual commitment. it won't work in the long run if it's a one-sided effort, and it sure won't work if the two people can't communicate honestly about things that matter to them.
and when it isn't working the way you think it should be???
the teeter-totter phase: you vacillate between thinking "its me" and "its him" ... this is when all those resentments start flaring out, and all those things you might have once thought were cute are suddenly irritating as all hell. things are either too much or not enough.
sometimes you can mutually recover and return to a previous stage ... but it sort of depends on how much resentment there is on both sides, and how mature you both are about dealing with it. take a long look at the other person and then at yourself. is it really possible to change? is it realistic?
the divorce: everybody has stories to tell about this stage whether the stories are from personal experience or observation. if you can both get past the hurt and the anger, friendship really is possible ... but expect flare-ups because (haven't you figured this out yet???) we're all human.
i know that relationships work better when you have shared interests, or atleast interests that can run parallel courses. if the other person is a total sports freak and you're not, it could still work if the other person doesn't mind you bringing along something you do like, like a book or something ... it doesn't work if the other person needs you to be just as much of a sports freak.
relationships follow certain kinds of patterns -- whether a relationship lasts depends on how much BOTH people are dedicated to staying the course.
the initial phase: initial observations -- those day to day random sorts of things about that person you somehow know or hear or learn from interaction. observations you gather without even realizing it, not in terms of potential romance but merely as a part of everyday life.
the developing awareness phase: not always mutual either ... when all those initial observations start to coalesce into a personal opinion about that person. this can vary from day to day, because let's face it -- we all have our moments and unfortunately, in daily life, we aren't always aware of what other people are observing and what conclusions they are drawing.
the developing awareness phase sometimes starts out as what we think of someone who is somehow tangential to someone we like or care about.
the infatuation phase: the only things you really want to know are the things you like or think are cute -- the rest of what you subconsciously know about the person gets mentally lockered. the phase when you don't really want to know if other people are wondering if you've lost your mind.
this is that phase where you subconsciously scramble to find common grounds based on what you think you know about the other person. this is the phase where people do things like grow their hair out because the other person seems to notice long hair, or grow beards (or shave em) because the other person made some passing comment about facial hair, change the way we dress or the way we interact with friends.
your friends have various ways of dealing with this transmogrification (look it up ... it's a majorly kewl word to know) ... they run the whole spectrum from open hostility to total confusion or acting incredibly childish.
the sharing is caring phase: this is that neat but somehow oddly weird phase when you learn more about the other person and the other person learns more about you ... and what you learn is sometimes cool, but isn't always what you wanted to know.
you try to share more about yourself and your life, and experience "oh." moments as you learn more about the other person. some of what you learn, you will like. some of what you learn, you're not sure about.
this is the phase when you reassure yourself that people can and do change for love. it might be a shock to learn this, but usually the other person is going through the same thing. the question to ask yourself is whether the differences matter. are they ones you both can life with?
the honeymoon is over phase: when you realize that some things are going to have to change to make this work. unfortunately for a lot of people, many of these things that are going to have to change are changes you think you can make in the other person ... you're not as thrilled with the changes the other person seems to want from you.
this can be an eye-opener. this is the stage when you both find out that the other person isn't quite what he or she seemed to be during the previous stage. (this is where you realize that it was better when love was blind LOL) he really doesn't like wearing those kinds of clothes and he's just doing it to humor you. you really don't like having to be nice to his friends and it's getting harder to be sweet.
sometimes, changes work ... especially if you are also willing and ABLE to change in ways that the other person wants. i say able, because some habits and preferences are hard to change, and the harder they are to change or the more there are that need to change, the more resentment a person feels -- even if you love em.
this is the phase that most people fail to grasp the importance of -- which is why relationships fall apart. relationships take on-going work and mutual commitment. it won't work in the long run if it's a one-sided effort, and it sure won't work if the two people can't communicate honestly about things that matter to them.
and when it isn't working the way you think it should be???
the teeter-totter phase: you vacillate between thinking "its me" and "its him" ... this is when all those resentments start flaring out, and all those things you might have once thought were cute are suddenly irritating as all hell. things are either too much or not enough.
sometimes you can mutually recover and return to a previous stage ... but it sort of depends on how much resentment there is on both sides, and how mature you both are about dealing with it. take a long look at the other person and then at yourself. is it really possible to change? is it realistic?
the divorce: everybody has stories to tell about this stage whether the stories are from personal experience or observation. if you can both get past the hurt and the anger, friendship really is possible ... but expect flare-ups because (haven't you figured this out yet???) we're all human.
Buddhist Rant posted at 7:53 AM
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