why blog?

last night spent a long time wrestling with posting issues. at some point, it hit me like a slap in the face ... why do i blog?

well ... for several reasons, really ... i blog cos i like the underlying technology. i think the ppl who wrote the codes did dead brilliant (a trifle redundant, but built-in redundancy is a necessity when working with multiple servers and broad range user ability issues) ...

i blog cos it beats scribbling random thoughts in puter files that clog my machine. no, its not that i write THAT much ... just that file size becomes an issue when ur a nutter like i am about multitasking

and i blog cos i appreciate feedback. writing for the sake of writing and never having anyone read it ... an old prof of mine used to call that literary masturbation LOL! ... blogging isn't the same as reading my work before an audience (what geek EVER wants to do that???) or publishing hard copy ... been there, done both many times, not particularly interested in doing either, ever again. i prefer feedback from ppl who happened to wander in and just had to comment on what they saw.

and lastly? cos it's there. i've been on machines for 30 years now ... i absolutely prefer this over:

• keypunching jcl on cards and praying the registry is on spot;
• dialing (!!) up a remote, waiting for the tone signal and wrestling the handset into the modem cradle;
• whacking out code on a blind terminal only to find out two hours later, that the tech pulled the wrong data tapes;
• explaining to the boss why you HAVE TO backup daily, and how it screwed the inventory when he restored the system with last january's monthly back up;
• writing code for professors who "just want to type the damned thing without memorizing puter schitt" ; or
• dealing with ppl who assume the recycle bin will be emptied by the janitors, delete the programs folder cos "all i do is word," and spray their machines with lysol cos "the computer TOLD me i need antivirus!"

we will now resume regular programming

yeah. i was tapping away at the keyboard and suki was like omg phone u gotta come up ... i'm slow though. by the time i got there, she'd hung up. it was cool that she called, but i guess i wouldn't have known what to say.

thats cos puters are easier than ppl. puters, u just figure out what u wanna do, and try to write in what u DON'T want to happen. ppl, u just sorta never know what they really think or how they're reacting to what u say. so generally i don't really like to say zilch. unless of course its someone like suki or kat.

lol yesterday marik called me a total perv cos i was buying this kids' toy handcuffs -- u know, the heavy ones with the trick latch and toy key. i was like, hey ... i'm not the perv. UR the one whose thinking pervy thoughts just lookin at them. i SO don't wanna know what u think i'm gonna do with em.

when i said that, the bagboy turned this like bright flaming neon red and i was like, great. just my luck. i get the store pervs for checker and bagboy.

tim ... ur a total perv.

u2, marik

kind of weird that way

suki's upstairs with her friends. i came down to think a bit about things. tomorrow is my last day. there's good and bad about that. its good, cos i really could use a break. bad cos ... well ... nah. its all good LMAO

taking a quick break from the party upstairs to try to put what i'm thinkin into words. ever have your world just suddenly swerve 90 degrees on ya? u know, like ... suddenly a person is entirely different? sometimes it suxxors but tonight it's kind of very kewl.

but any way, i'm sitting here thinking its sort of nice to see ppl just relax together. everyone seems a whole lot more normal than a month ago, and i'm actually more positive now than i felt about 7 hrs ago. yeah. i said 7 hrs. and i haven't bit anyone. it could be a record LMAO
kk i guess i should head up soon.

snarg!!!! @#)($&@#(_*$&*_@#$ *sigh* bbl

when life gives u lemons

ask people to complete the sentence:

when life gives u lemons ________.

"don't eat them." - kgn kid
"take the purple pill." - 1st grader
"take them for show and tell." - 1st grader
"throw them at danny and run." - kgn kid
"put them in your pop." - 2nd grader
"you should make lemon bars for me." - 2nd grader
"don't tell the teacher. she'll make you write a report." - 3rd grader
"see if they float." - 3rd grader
"is this a test?" - 4th grader
"this is one of your trick questions isn't it." - 5th grader
"is that on the comment?" - blogger geek
"make lemon slushies." - don't ask

*sigh*

AUGHHHHHHHH!!

wow.
first day in a long time that
i wanted to throw my head back and yell

AUGH!

... like charlie brown
except i wanted to add a few

@#$&_@%!

too.

ouch

looked at the calendar and suddenly realized ... party tomorrow. ouch.

that wasn't poetry

that was just random thoughts

today and today

today
it was cool
with gusts that
rattled the buds and
twigs from trees through
the air into our hair onto
our things we pored over the
map walking from place to place
laughing talking (far too much
walking) searched examined
pondered compared while
thinking our thoughts
even as we speak it
was today and
today and
today

moment in time

you think of now........i think of tomorrow
the glow on your face the gleam in your eye the
smile that brushes your lips these moments in
time i'll keep though shelving gently times
we didn't or shouldn't have talked the
frustration anger hurt and when
time calms this turbulence
these moments will be
my memory of
you

well, if u insist ...

this ever happen to u?

someone keeps insisting something. doesn't really matter what it is. could be a bf or gf thinkin ur keeping secrets ... a teacher who insists ur not paying attention ... a family member who is convinced ur up to something ...

doesn't matter how many times u say it isn't so. no. this person is absolutely convinced and won't shut up about it, either. go ahead and fight it -- just realize that nothin you say or do is gonna change that person's mind.

u know it, i know it ... so what happens?

in sociology they talk about self-fulfilling prophecy. yeah. its the whole "if ya gotta do the time, might as well have done the crime" thing. why do people not get this? not saying u get FORCED into doing things ... its more like ... after awhile, ya just figure geeeeesh screw it already ...

cos the suxxor thing about it is, u end up in stupid situations where yall are stuck being someone ur not, yanno? and u start wondering if it really is a crime ya didn't know about -- having friends he doesn't like, or liking stuff she doesn't care for, or things like that.

that's usually when the stuff hits the fan. its like tellin the bf "kk u really really wanna know the secret?? there IS no freakin secret!"

... and ya dump him. which probably wouldn't have happened quite so quickly if he were capable of actually listening to what u trying to say.

screamers

argh i can't stand screamers
or whiners
just got back from one of those field trips? omg ok well now we know tic season is here, cos yep, u guessed it ... we had screamers *sigh* ok personally tics creep me out but seriously folks ... its not like they're gonna viciously attack you and rip your head off or anything. sheesh

and the kid next to me? whined all the there, and allllllll the way back

makes you think

am i over-reacting?

being raised in a subculture that emphasizes self-control while the culture at large emphasizes self-expression ... that gets tricky. on the one hand, you're proud when you don't lose control of your temper in front of other people ... and on the other hand, you're still seething with stuff you SO want to say, yanno?

kind of like a noh play.

but then, there's the flip side of the coin ... when a person just seems ....... for lack of a better word, blank. a cipher. a void. when the only emotion you ever see is either nonchalance or aimless happiness. makes you sort of worry about what the mask conceals.

there's this person who makes me worry that way. you ask what the person wants to do, and the person says "whatever." you vent and rage about something or someone, and the person just smiles and says "as long as you're not mad at me." you dance around and babble about something totally awesomely cool, and the person just smiles and says "that's nice."

you sort of want to reach over and whack the person just to see an emotion. but then, its a little scary to think how the person might react, yanno?

so when you ask me what i think, i have to ask, what am i sposed to think?

there's comfort in ...

most of the time we don't think about it.

but times when we're totally stressin, we find comfort in certain persons, places, or things. you know what i mean ... something that makes you feel loved and able to love, even when it seems your whole world is falling apart. for me, comfort things can make me feel a whole lot better, even if they don't make any difference in the problem i'm dealing with.

... when i'm really down, being able to curl up in a deep leather chair and getting completely immersed in a favourite book will give me time and distance enough to whack my perspective back into shape

... when i'm totally stressing back home, (yeah i know this is going to sound totally gross but like i said, when i'm totally stressing and back home surrounded by the family), a couple of hostess lemon fruit pies (for some reason other brands don't work, nor do other flavours) and a teri-chicken musubi

... when i'm infinitely exasperated with life the universe and the significant other, closing the door to the puter room and playing a couple rounds of spider on the most difficult setting will generally get my emotions back on track ... on truly difficult days, the door can be open but i'll keep playing till i win at least three different times (good thing i'm pretty good at the game)

... back home when i was younger, there were two places i regularly had to spend time at

... nuuanu pali lookout (now the old road) at sunrise was completely and awesomely the perfect thing to put me back on track. an hour or two even in the middle of the night, eyes closed, feeling the mists swirling in the wind around me, listening to the water trickling down the sides of the mountain

... sitting in the sands at the waters edge down on makapuu beach at night used to be another comfort zone. i'd sit there for hours just watching the torchlights moving across the top of the ridge. only once in many many years of this did i encounter nightmarchers, and even then it remains a special place for me

... getting sent to kona to work for a couple days was a pain but worth it because pulling out all the stops on saddle road always put me in an awesome mood. some cars were made for the autobahn and those are the ones you want to be drivin there

... and i had an oscar the grouch that stayed with me through boyfriend traumas, moving woes, posse hassles ... yeah. comfort things rock

newbie in training

i'm training on a different version of software at school. it's got about six times the features, so it's pretty cool, but i told them i want to put up a sign on the puter "newbie in training" when i'm in the pilot seat so to speak. hey, it's nicer than what i originally had in mind

"no whiners"

C2

Alright, here's my two cents on this

• passion for life - as a writer, if this ISN'T present in some way, i tend to get bored, and a bit leery. I mean I don't mean sex or anything like that, but a range of emotions would be nice... like you know.. the typical Anger, Sadness, Thrill of life, etc etc. For example, one of my greatest crushes, who is still managing to hold on, is full of passion. He's always my greatest muse because everything hits him like a current, he's vulernable, yet stable at the same time. He needs reassurance, but never fails to provide it just as equally. He is the embodiment of passion, and that is the best thing about him ever!
  
• intelligence - I NEED this. As a debater and again, a writer, i need something i can talk about with the person, if we can't have an intelligent (not genius) discussion on something, then it's not worth talking about anyway. I want someone who won't get huffy just because they don't really understand it, i want someone who'll ask for an explanation, think about it and THEN respond. That's the dream intellect... Average would be good, i can deal with a lower intellect if they have the other aspects in surplus...
  
• mutual respect - this too is super important, i don't want a yes man, i want someone who's going to think about it, tell me what they think and give me the truth. If they really respect me, they can tell me what's on their mind, etc. I don't need to know every single aspect of life, but the stuff that pertains to me, or my friends, or simply something that affects his mood, is something we should be able to talk about. At least i think so.
  
• honesty - this, is definately key, if this isn't present, It's not going to work. I would break it off in a heart beat. This is the very foundation of a good relationship. Romantic, or otherwise.
  
• creativity - Can the person make me laugh? If they're dull like no tomorrow then i can't even stand the idea of talking to them. I don't need a literary genius, i need someone who's funny and can make me smile with stupid jokes, mock stories, or just random thoughts. what's life worth living for if you can't find something to make you smile?
  
• individuality - I agree, no rebel needed, just someone who doesn't act and look like they were pressed from some sort of mold for society. If they're just parroting exactly what they're told and doing exactly what everyone wants them to do, they're boring, They're dull... and who'd want to even be near them? seriously... BOREDOM.

important characteristics?

what's important to find in a person?

a passion for life ... we don't have to agree on what we individually get passionate about, but by god there needs to be passion because admit it ... in the river of life, someone who doesn't feel deeply about anything -- someone who merely skims the surface (as opposed to a delver who at times fights the currents) -- is as appealing as a cardboard cut out.

intelligence ... not demanding a rocket scientist ... but the person has to have a brain and not be afraid to USE it. so what if we don't have the same interests! if i wanted someone exactly like me, i wouldn't need another person, would i ...

mutual respect ... ya don't have to like what i like, think what i think, feel what i feel ... but i try to respect you for who you are, and expect the same from you. you are not a simple add-on extension of me, nor i of you lol

honesty ... i don't need to know every single detail about you (TMI!!!) but i'll tell you this much ... if there's something out there, i'd rather hear about it from you than from your friends or mine.

creativity ... a person who can look at or listen to an idea, and grab the ball and run with it. i may not like what you create, but i'll like that what you created isn't something i could have bought at walmart ... that what you created isn't exactly like everyone else's

individuality yeah, i'm demanding ... but individuality is important. i don't want someone who is like everyone else, does what everyone else does, goes with the flow. not saying you have to be a 24/7 rebel, but geeeesh is it too much to want a person who has a personality and isn't afraid to express it??? LOL

... is that asking too much????

the aardvark

there's a lot to be said for aardvarks.

for one thing, they're not as they appear. an aardvark is deceptive in appearance ... it doesn't LOOK like it would be dangerous (how dangerous can it be if it lives on termites???) but then u see its claws ...

yeah. aardvarks aka earth pigs. lmao